[Espy]

In case you haven't noticed, I've been in a slump the past few days. The past two weeks have been Hell Weeks for me. During the first, all the little things went wrong. During the second, everything piled up and happened to be due on the same day. To make things worse, I had writer's block, and a Mech E project and a separate paper due today (did not finish the latter; will turn that in for late credit).

I had thought the worse was over, come Friday. That night, I decided to grab a friend and do a few risky, not-faculty-approve, adrenaline-rush sort of things.

I learned at 6pm on Saturday that a sophomore in the CS department had died after falling out of the window in his apartment.

Henry was an active member of KGB (a social org that I'm also in --it's very tight-knit and is halfway between a club and a fraternity-of-sorts). A lot of KGB members are CS, so many of my friends were close to him. I was not, and I regret not having gotten to known him better.

During the past couple of days, I have not been able to fully pull myself out of a rather depressed state of mind, and on top of that, I'm very close to just breaking down both mentally and emotionally from the previous two weeks. The fact that I was not granted a extension for my paper on account of this tragedy did not help any.

But this is not about me. This is about several of my close friends, who I ran into today during the KGB meeting. They seem to be much worse off than me, both emotionally and mentally. I'm not the best, socially, so I desperately need advice on how help them move on.

TL;DR: How should I console my friends over the death of a mutual acquaintance , especially during finals week?

[Tiva]

*hugs Espy*
Truly that is about it, you are too depressed to be of much listening help right now so give them a hug and tell them you are sorry for their loss.

[littl3chocobo]

i am not sure dear, my only death was my best friend and that took so many tears to wash away that it is pitiable and even now, nearly a year after she has been gone i still have not gotten over it. i think my only advice could be not to bottle it up and let it fester inside of you, there is no good way to manage it other than to let each person grieve

[Espy]

True...I think the KGB meeting has helped me in getting over this a bit more...I just need to calm down some and focus on what really needs to be done tomorrow morning, so I sleeping relatively early to get up at 6 tomorrow and study hard. A semester's worth of material in six hours...I'm not expecting to do tremendously well, but I refuse to let myself fail that class. I can help my friends afterwards.

[Lucid:]

**hugs Espy** That's a terrible thing that happened. I wish I could give you advice but all I can offer is my condolences. Good luck on the rest of your finals. They'll be over soon, and then you can focus all you need on your friends and getting over this terrible loss.

[Hex]

Espy I just posted a short free style type of deal on my writers thread almost on this subject. All I can tell you is that everyone mourns differently some people need to be consoled and some people need to be left alone. I am the type that needs to be left alone...but even though I want to be left alone I can say I always appreciated people trying to talk to me, mostly because I knew they were concerned and trying to help. You just have to be there for each other. Death is a peculiar subject...everyone will experience it in their lives yet most are unwilling to speak of it, to comprehend it...I hope this helped in some way...

[Hermes]

No, honestly. Don't let them wallow in sadness, but don't try to "help them past it" or anything like that. It's an acceptance thing, and a painful thin, but it's something that needs to be felt.

[Espy]

@Lucid: Yesterday, I was about as stressed as I had been on Monday, because I was hovering between working on my long-overdue paper and studying for Mech E (which I just finished the final for...whew)...I was stressed enough to actually call my mom, tell her about the possibility of failing Interp (the class I'm writing the paper for), and ask her what I should do.

...And you should know what I feel about parents and grades. I was able to actually talk to her, and that helped me a LOT in terms of getting over things. Now that I feel a bit better about things, I think I can actually calm down and have decent conversations with my friends, and if they want to talk about Henry, then so be it -- I should be stable enough to not break down again.

@Manda: True. I'll try to help my friends in inobtrusive ways, then.

@Hermes: But I feel really bad not trying my best to help them...then again, I don't know HOW to help, really. I don't have experience in comforting, much.

[Lucid:]

Wow. I do know how you feel about parents and grades. That's huge for you to have called her. I'm glad she was able to help you out. After hearing everything you go through and now reading the article you posted on facebook, I think I never want to ever send my future kids to CMU. o.o

[Espy]

See, the thing is, I'm in a group called 6@6; it's like...a group of freshmen leaders. ...Or rather, who the upperclassmen and faculty think should be leaders. This is the type of stuff we're trying to change. Any top-tier school is going to have high levels of stress. I actually really like CMU's environment because of the relative liberal-ness and how many people are cross discipline (I'm not cross discipline in terms of majors, but I'm one of the few Mech E's who can draw).

The stuff I've been going through mostly hinge on how emotional I can get. A lot of my friends who were closer to him than I was are doing a lot better than I am. I mean, needless to say, the sophomore CS majors are devastated, but CMU does very, very well in getting students together during Orientation week and through events, so we stick up for each other more than we rely on the staff.

...Especially in organizations like KGB, which is basically halfway between a club and a frat. We're all really close.

[Lauv Keiko]

First off, sorry to hear that, espy...hope you feel better now.

I actually was avoiding this thread for quite a while, mainly because an old high school friend of mine died just about two months ago.
I don't know how I could console myself, let alone those who were considered her best friends.
All I ever did was pet/pat and gave my condolences to the "closest" ones then took my leave, before crying my heart out. At least (I thought to myself) that I did what I had to do, no necessary advices given because people in that state won't be able to take it in.
^^;;

[Espy]

D: Sorry to bring back bad memories, Lauv... -hugs-

This has been one of the most stressful weeks in my life, if not THE most stressful...I asked my RA if finals week is always this intense, and she said no.

[Night Fury]

around this time last year I had a problem similar to this, one person I met the week she died and a old friend died, around the same time in car accidents

What I learned from that experience is that its harder to help others out if you are still stressed or worried about something... it's easier to help and calm others once you are back to normal
it also is healthier for you once you are back close to normal at least...
I hope you are feeling better, because when I had felt sad about their deaths I caught a cold and I was sick for 3 times longer than any other cold I've had... and spend my whole winter break in bed plus a few weeks

thought about it again recently because someone a couple days ago said that I reminded him of the person who died... it's easier to talk about things when you are feeling better, it's hard to force feeling better but just got to take time here and there to calm yourself and give yourself some joy
hope you can, wishes you some luck and that you can feel better

[Lauv Keiko]

ah no, it's fine, espy. ^^;

I hope you do get through it though. *hugs*

[HABIT]

I am so sorry Espy. Just be there for your friends.