[Soul Dreamer]

Boulders and Roses Release Me
“What are we doing out here Jayminic?”
Trees hid the moon from sight, darkening the path. Sticks reached out from under bushes and patches of soggy earth trying to trip them. The rain still lingered as a mist, filling their nostrils with its bitter sweet scent. Stars poked through the clouds and the stillness of the forest around them made the four teens shiver.
“I told you already, Lilionyx.” Jayminic said. His voice was deep and full of excitement. His blue eyes glistened in the flashlight’s glare. His dark hair was plastered to his face and his usually baggy clothes clung to him like leeches.
“No you didn’t, you liar.”
“Lilionyx, give it a rest. You know he won’t talk. You guys are giving me a headache.” Stark’s complaining came drifting up from the back of the group. He was hidden by shadows and sounded far away.
Knowing she wouldn’t win, Lilionyx sighed and looked to Syle for help. Syle was always the first one out of the boys to come to Lilionyx’s rescue in a time like this. His broad shoulders and unusual height made it hard to argue with him. Tonight was different though. He didn’t jump in and help her get answers. He just simply shrugged, gave that look that said I’m not fighting tonight, and followed Jayminic through the trees.
Jayminic smiled at Lilionyx. He looked strange. His teeth looked sharp and deformed in the darkened mist. The trees cast shadows over his eyes and his muscle seemed to ripple. Lilionyx could feel her skin crawl as a small stray beam of moonlight found its way past the clouds, cutting through a break in the leaves overhead and fell on his face. It was Jayminic, only it wasn’t.
A hand clasped down on Lilionyx’s shoulder. Stark had caught up with the group. His brown eyes looked like eerie black orbs in the fading light. He looked distant, almost like he was avoiding something that was being shoved under his nose. Something he didn’t like. When his eyes focused, they focused on Jayminic. Jayminic’s smile disappeared and he continued to walk down the path.
Silence had taken over as the hour got closer to midnight. Syle hadn’t seemed to notice the others had stopped walking. He was a good ten or fifteen feet ahead when the group started up again. It didn’t take long for Jayminic to catch up to him. His long legs and fast pace made it hard at times for Lilionyx and Stark to keep up.
They came to an opening in the trees. It was a wide clearing with overgrown, moss covered boulders that sat in a circle. There were five boulders, like the five points of a star. A large ring of irises and roses circled outside the boulders. In the center of the boulders, there stood an old altar. It was lit by candles of every color ever made and covered in intricate carvings. A book lay on top of the altar.
Lilionyx could see darkened silhouettes perched on two of the boulders. As they grew closer to the shadows she recognized them as people she’d seen at school. They were the type that sat in the back of the class room and stared at people in the room while carving curse words into their desks. Lilionyx couldn’t help but feel a little bit scared now.
“It’s about time you guys got here.” The boy on the closest boulder said. “We’ve been waiting here for three hours. What took so long?”
“They had to get the precious little princess to sneak out of her room without her parents finding out.” His friend sneered with a laugh. “Ain’t that right Syle, my boy?”
“Kryton, shut up. We were waiting on Stark.” Syle shot back.
“Let’s just get started. Get her up to the altar.” Jayminic said.
“Wait, what?” Lilionyx’s voice came off as passive and a bit confused, even though she could feel her heart racing with fear.
“You sure she’s the one Lydon?” Kryton asked the boy perched on the boulder next to Lilionyx.
The boy peered through the mist at her. His eyes seemed to glow green. His hair was dark and messy. He wore what looked like a black hooded sweatshirt with a green heart over his own and a pair of jeans. His mouth twisted up into a smile.
“Yea she’s the one. Look, her eyes glow a deep purple color. Syle, you said she was still a virgin right?”
“Yea, she is.” Syle’s voice was low and a bit annoyed.
“Good. Now get her to the altar, explain to her what to do and then get into your position.” Jayminic said to Stark.
The boys were all wearing or putting on sweatshirts almost identical to Lydon’s. The hearts were different colors. Lydon’s was green while Syle’s was blue, Stark’s was red, Jayminic’s was white, and Kryton’s was yellow. Their eyes glowed with the same colors as the hearts on their sweatshirts. The boulders glowed as well.
“Lilionyx, come with me.” They moved slowly toward the altar as he explained what she was there to do. “All you have to do is read from the book. I’ll show you the passage.”
“What’s going to happen after I finish reading?”
“You’ll go home. You’ll go to bed. Tomorrow you’ll wake up and walk with Syle to school.”
“So things will go back to normal?” Lilionyx asked, looking up at him.
“For the most part, it will. Just read the passage. I’ll explain it all at the end.” He said as they stepped up to the altar.
The book was old; its pages yellowed and brittle with age. The binding was well worn and the cover very faded. The only words that Lilionyx could make out from the worn lettering were the words ‘spell book’. The rest of the book was written in a different language.
“I can’t read this. I don’t know that language.” Lilionyx’s voice came out in a whisper.
“Lilionyx you have to. You’re the only one that can.”
“Why?”
“You’re the one the prophet talked about, just read it.” He said in a matter of fact kind of voice.
Lilionyx stood before the book. She tried to make sense of the language, but nothing made sense. She placed her hand on the cover and felt a spark of electricity flow through her hand. The power of the book was incredible. She could feel it heat up under her hands. She opened the book and flipped through it, looking for something. She didn’t know what she was looking for, but she was looking for it. She knew without a doubt that the book held it within the old yellow pages.
Stark had moved away. He had turned to walk toward his boulder. The closer he got to the giant rock, the hotter the book got in Lilionyx’s hands. As his skin touched the stone, a transformation happened. Lilionyx’s long, straight dark hair whipped and whirled glowing purple and curling into a mass of wild curls, her already pale skin went paler. The white, strapless sundress flowed from her small body like liquid. Her already glowing eyes became orbs of blinding purple. The heat was filling her, coursing through her as though her very blood was nothing but flames.
The boys watch, captivated by the very sight of the girl before them. The nonsense language of the book slipped from Lilionyx’s lips. One by one, as the ancient language named their element, the boys transformed. Syle, guardian of water, transformed from a normal teenage boy to one glowing encased in blue flames. Lydon burned in green while Jayminic burned a blinding white. Water, fire, wind, earth, and soul, they lit up the clearing.
Lilionyx began to twist and bend her body as though she was in pain. Her small feet lifted off the ground and her body hung in the air. The clouds opened up to the moon, filling the six bodies with its gentle glow. A loud cracking sound came from beneath the boulders, deafeningly loud. Wind rushed past them carrying a harsh heat and a quick shower of rain and leaves. A shrill wail seemed to hang between them.
Suddenly it was quiet. The passage had ended and the boys were resting on the boulders with grins twisted onto their faces. Lilionyx lay on the ground, her white sundress wrapped around her in heaps of ripped lace and cotton. Her hair was once again straight and her eyes no longer glowed. She didn’t move. It looked like she wasn’t breathing. The boys watched in silence as Syle climbed down off his boulder to kneel beside her still form.
“Well?” Kryton’s voice was quiet.
“She has a pulse but its weak, her breathings slow and shallow. But she looks otherwise unharmed.”
“Let’s get her home.” Stark said.
They took turns carrying Lilionyx through the trees to town. As they neared town Lilionyx opened her eyes. She was quiet at first then tried to speak. A noise that sounded like a mix between a yelp and a whimper escaped her raw throat.
“You wanna know what happened back there don’t you?” Lydon looked down at Lilionyx. “You gave us power, little princess, you gave us strength, wisdom, and skill no other human has. Lilionyx, you gave us the power of the moon.”
Lilionyx closed her eyes, drifting in between old memories, dreams, and glimpses of what went on around her. She saw her cousin again before the accident, the boy who was carrying her, and vivid visions of something not quite real. Exhaustion filled her and sleep came in an instant. She sank into her unconsciousness with a grateful sigh.

[Natsunaine]

WHOA! you might wanna put a spoiler on those type [spoil] at the beginning of the post and at the end type [/spoil ] without the spaces ofcourse and youll get something like this

Hello hun how are you im assuming you clicked the spoiler button!

[Soul Dreamer]

um... i'm sorry but please explain to me why it is needed.

[Natsunaine]

I myself do not know, but i know i tried posting a story on here once and it wasn't spoiled and due to that it was removed and i got a verbal warning that i needed to spoil large things :P

[Soul Dreamer]

Um ok but idk how to do that

[Gallagher]

Uhm, no.

Considering this is the writing forum, large pieces ARE expected, it's just a preference that they be spoiled if there are multiple pieces to make it easier for scrolling.

As for the actual writing, however, you might want to work on flow. A lot of the sentences sound repetitive because they ALWAYS start with the subject. His, his, his, he, his, his, his, he... It makes it not as interesting to read, because there's little variance in it. There are a few sentences that ARE different, but not nearly enough.

[Natsunaine]

Someone told me to spoil mine ewe.. oh well gala is always the final verdict i can always count on him lurking over my posts XD

[Soul Dreamer]

ok well I will work on that, but just so you know i was targeting teenagers between the ages of 14-18. most books targeted at this age group have a similar writing style. but as stated before i will work on that.

[Gallagher]

Weeell, this is kind of my section, and you've made nice in some of the places I normally lurk in.


As for targeting a certain audience, I'd like to think that they can appreciate the finer points of writing and flow, they just don't always have the means to explain that that's part of what makes them enjoy it. Personally, I still have several books I enjoyed when I was even younger than that, and they did, in fact, have that variety. Most of what I see with that sort of style are written by that age group for that age group and, more often than not, they just don't have the refined abilities yet.

[Soul Dreamer]

my writing abilities are rather well polished or at least so i've been told by a large variety of people. i'm still in the process of writing and editing the story above. so i ask that you dont target one aspect of it just yet.

[Natsunaine]

Well, Isn't that just my luck i pick all of galla's lurking areas XD jkjk <3

and i agree with Galla on this one i just got done reading it.

[Soul Dreamer]

like i said its not done yet. im still editing and writing it ok?

[littl3chocobo]

i have to agree with galla, just because you are writing for kids does /not/ mean you have to write at a seventh-grade level. if your story is stilted and rough then it makes for a bad story no matter how 'polished' it is supposed to be. i couldn't get more than a couple sentences in before i had to stop. sweetie needs to make a little more effort in upping herself to a more refined level of writing even if she keeps the plot and vocab where they are

*blushes* i feel so weird for having written that. this is a forum i usually only lurk in


edit; also, who the hell are these chars? it feels like we stepped into the middle of the story not the beginning, try to introduce them with a word or three the first time they pop up

[Gallagher]

This really isn't an attack. It's trying to help you get your writing to be the best it can be and, I'm sorry, but when people just tell you how good it is, it isn't all that helpful. You have a good idea going on here, so stick with it, just keep working on the other aspects of it, too.

[Soul Dreamer]

As i have said before it is a work in progress. I am fixing it but i am doing it slowly. if you are all going to point out the bad and not even think about the good then please at least understand that it is a work in progress.

[littl3chocobo]

galla is right. we want you to improve, pats on the back don't improve anything but constructive crit does(in fact it is a very big part of posting here.) you should expect likeminded people to come and give advice and help you fix the lacking bits until one day you write a post and there is nothing left to do /but/ tell you that it is good because you have worked hard and learned to fix and tweak and improve