|
Log In |
Home | Forums | Shops | Trade | Avatar | Inbox | Games | Donate |
Not Logged In |
|
Thread Tools |
caphiredream
Confused
|
Poem "Bend and Break" | #1 | ||
Er... I suck at poems but this one isn't so bad in my eyes.... or maybe its so bad I just can't see it
Twist and turn Bend and break, How much more, Do I have to take? I wish I could escape… To a world beyond our skies Filled with things beyond our wildest dreams Fly through the clouds without worries… Without regrets Only to fall back down To this hell… How much more can I take? I bend and break till there is nothing left. So here it is...commenters rejoice at this horrible travesty that has graced the Writers Diary in the Trisphee forums.... Caphire~~
| ||||
Posted 09-10-2013, 10:14 PM |
#2 |
Suzerain of Sheol
Desolation Denizen
|
|||
I think I was honestly expecting worse with that preamble of yours. :P
The biggest weaknesses I can see are the one forced rhyme near the beginning (you really don't need it), and the reliance on cliches for your imagery and phrasing. All you'd really have to do to shape this into a decent little poem is take lines like "beyond our wildest dreams" and rework them into more original turns of phrase. IMO, at least. :) Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion between supposed lovers. Between supposed brothers. | ||||
Posted 09-11-2013, 12:26 PM |
Tags |
bend and break |
Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests) | |
Thread Tools | |
|
|