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Suzerain of Sheol
Desolation Denizen
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Rive the Heartstone | #1 | ||
I just realized tonight that I've never posted any of my actual writing here beyond my unapproachable poetry, so I thought it was time to change that. And this piece is perfect for that, for a number of reasons.
Also, this is a narrative re-telling of the story in the RPG that I'm designing. Unfortunately, I never really got going with it, so I only have three scenes written. But, I'm rather happy with how they came out, and who knows? maybe I'll write more someday. Edit: Oh, and there are places where certain words should be italicized that I can't be bothered to hunt down and code, so if something sounds weird at first glance, do consider that. Also, I'm posting these by scene, so some of them run a bit long, thus I have spoiled the entries. Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion between supposed lovers. Between supposed brothers. | ||||
Posted 06-12-2011, 10:20 PM |
#2 |
Suzerain of Sheol
Desolation Denizen
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Rive the Heartstone Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion between supposed lovers. Between supposed brothers. | ||||
Posted 06-12-2011, 10:24 PM |
Suzerain of Sheol
Desolation Denizen
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#3 | |||
Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion between supposed lovers. Between supposed brothers. | ||||
Posted 06-12-2011, 10:25 PM |
#4 |
Suzerain of Sheol
Desolation Denizen
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Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion between supposed lovers. Between supposed brothers. | ||||
Posted 06-12-2011, 10:27 PM |
Quiet Man Cometh
We're all mad here.
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#5 | |||
Commenting before I forget. :). I read through the first part. Has it changed at all since last time? Only a couple comments to make so far, mostly having to do with word choice or syntax. "Phantom of hope" comes off to my ear as a bit funny. Not entirely sure why. I get the sentiment, but somehow the word "phantom" doesn't feel right to me. The word "imperil" also comes off to me as unneccessary and clunky but that falls into personal taste. It strikes me as an attempt to sound lofty which is redundant since Xavier's speech already accomplishes that pretty well.
Two sentence fragments show up at the end of a couple paragraphs that I think could also be changed to fit more in with the writing. The first is the line "If the world could but lay down its arms." That can be taken two ways, as either a statement or a question depending on context so it doesn't work well for me in a fragmented form. I think it would work better attached via comma to the preceeding sentence. That way there's no ambiguity behind the statement. "As they had never been hung to before" also feels to me like it's floating to no real effect in the narrative, and that it would work better adding onto the previous sentence rather than as a fragment by itself. It feels homeless as it is so far. One grammatical kink:"Destiny call us home" needs either a comma after "Destiny" or an 's' after "call." Okay, that's it for now. It's smoother than I recall reading before. I don't I read past that part so the rest will be new. Cheers. :) EDIT: Riiight, one more thing...you know those ellipses early on? Yeaaaaah... :p
Last edited by Quiet Man Cometh; 06-13-2011 at 06:40 AM.
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Posted 06-13-2011, 06:36 AM |
#6 |
Suzerain of Sheol
Desolation Denizen
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Quote:
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Thank you for spotting that. Quote:
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:p Seriously, though, that's likely a holdover from the game, where I have only dialogue and visuals to work with, I can't convey the nuances of a conversation, so... cue ellipses every time someone trails off or pauses. Edit: Oh, and I find it slightly ironic that the sort of things I said I was glossing over as being too nitpicky when reviewing yours are all you commented on about mine. :p Stop picking my nits, you pedant! :D (Also, just looked up the meaning of that word. Eew. I hate English sometimes.) Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion between supposed lovers. Between supposed brothers. | |||||||||||||
Posted 06-13-2011, 09:31 AM |
Quiet Man Cometh
We're all mad here.
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#7 | |||
Heh. Well let's see. "Phantom" and "imperil" are more matters of personal taste. "Phantom" in particular is hard to explain without going into the nuances of implications and such, but I suppose I could describe as the amount of "presence" the word has. "Phantom" to me feels more like an actual being that the masses would be reacting too, rathern than the mere impression or hint of one, which I think words like "ghost" or "shadow," "scent" etc would better fit. Personal impressions. Don't fuss too much though. Being a lit student I'm naturally hypersensitive to these things. ;).
"Imperil" is more straight forward. It just sounds more obviously pompus to me, something that could work easily enough with just "peril" and a connecting word to go with it. Again, personal taste. Feel free to ignore me. On the fragments, I'm looking at them from the view of them being complete thoughts. "As they had never been hung before" strikes me as either a beginning or an ending to a thought, and that's what the trouble is. (Going language pick here) The sentence reads to be as possibley being the beginning of a thought with the word "as" being in front. 'As they had never been hung before, blah blah blah.' The same goes for the ending word 'Before' which in my view doesn't really have much of an air of finality to it, so it's sort of a soft ending, if that make sense. It feels ambiguous to me because of how it doesn't seem to be much of a thought to itself. If feels like it should be connected to something else and while it does work, I think, it was still something that didn't feel totally natural and I has to pause a moment after reading it to make sure it wasn't an error or there wasn't supposed to be something after it. "If the world could but lay down it's arms" has the same issue. No real finality to the thought in my opinion. It could be the predecessor to another though as easily as it could be an ending, and probably easier in my opinoin. Think maybe of Boromir's phrase in the end of Fellowhip (movie), "If you would but lend me the ring." (I would use ellipses here because the thought feels unfinished, especially with his expression in the film ;)). That's what he says but if feels like there's more that has been left unsaid. The same goes for the fragment. "If the world could but lay down its arms..." [unsaid statement there]. Does that make some sense? The fragments and words here I mentioned because they made me pause during the reading or stuck out. Prose potholes, so to speak. :). How did you get green smiley man? EDIT nevermind :D | ||||
Posted 06-13-2011, 08:58 PM |
#8 |
Suzerain of Sheol
Desolation Denizen
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I see what you mean about phantom, though I'm not sure if anyone who doesn't have a lit degree would notice that. :p I'll think about changing it.
And I think we must have a difference of perspective or something on imperil. It just... doesn't come off that way to me, and I don't really think of the word in general as being a hallmark of pomposity. And, I mean, I can actually *hear* him saying that line in my head and it just sounds right to me. (Xavier is totally voiced by Crispin Freeman in my head. :p) And I do understand what you mean about the fragments, I'm going to attribute it mostly to my writing style. Like, despite the third-person narration, this whole thing is sort of written from Amilia's immediate perspective and, to me, those just don't present a snag in the narrative since it's a direct continuation of the thought she was having right beforehand, related as it is through the third-person perspective. ...that probably doesn't make any sense. :| Oh, and "If the world could but lay down its arms" is a closing thought, if it was a trailed-off opening, I would have ended it with an ellipses. :p But... if they're sticking out that much, they're probably a problem, despite my lack-of-seeing-a-problem with them, so I should probably change them. Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion between supposed lovers. Between supposed brothers. | ||||
Posted 06-13-2011, 09:14 PM |
Quiet Man Cometh
We're all mad here.
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#9 | |||
I understend perspective thing. Doesn't change the impression I have though. I think it would still be funny in first person.
And I know full well if you intended a trailing though you would havve ellipses there :p. There are phantom ellipses! I can feel them! All in all though, personal taste. The rest is what second opinions are for. ;) | ||||
Posted 06-13-2011, 09:50 PM |
#10 |
Suzerain of Sheol
Desolation Denizen
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Yeah, like I mentioned on MSN, it comes down to me knowing how I want it to be read, so it's hard to wrap my head around how it might sound to anyone who doesn't.
I could use a second opinion, though. Any takers? :p Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion between supposed lovers. Between supposed brothers. | ||||
Posted 06-13-2011, 10:03 PM |
Serra Britt
Neko-chan Nya Nya~
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#11 | |||
Well it's late and I read them kind of fast, nor am I really any kind of lit expert at all, but tomorrow I'll go over it more carefully and see if anything jumps out at me.
And now I know the story of the elipses... ♥ Never be afraid to be yourself ♥ Want to see my art or webcomic? Serra's Art Gallery A Neko's Quest | My Closet Kitsune's Haven Image courtesty of tsukiko | ||||
Posted 06-15-2011, 03:47 AM |
#12 |
Suzerain of Sheol
Desolation Denizen
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Oh, well, thank you for reading. :)
(And yes, I know the templar has a sword in the game. He used to have a different graphic, back when I wrote this. ;)) Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion between supposed lovers. Between supposed brothers. | ||||
Posted 06-15-2011, 10:13 AM |
Serra Britt
Neko-chan Nya Nya~
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#13 | |||
I wanted to be more careful while reading again to nitpick, but your writing flows very well in my eyes and I think I'm probably not going to find anything to nitpick :p Quiet had probably covered everything I might have mentioned so I think I will just leave it be for now :3
♥ Never be afraid to be yourself ♥ Want to see my art or webcomic? Serra's Art Gallery A Neko's Quest | My Closet Kitsune's Haven Image courtesty of tsukiko | ||||
Posted 06-15-2011, 01:31 PM |
#14 |
Suzerain of Sheol
Desolation Denizen
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Hmm, well that's good to hear, I guess. :)
Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion between supposed lovers. Between supposed brothers. | ||||
Posted 06-15-2011, 01:36 PM |
Quiet Man Cometh
We're all mad here.
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#15 | |||
I am merely rediculously literal. Speaking of which...
The phase "laurelled in white roses" made my head tilt a bit, given that 'laurels' already comes from a plant name. It feels almost like the metaphor is reversing itself. Accolades in the form of a laurel wreath (or olive or ivy, as the case my be); becomes "laurels" the metaphor for accolades in genera; becomes an accepted term for accolades; is now being associated with a new plant. :p ;).
Last edited by Quiet Man Cometh; 06-16-2011 at 07:15 PM.
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Posted 06-16-2011, 04:52 AM |
#16 |
Suzerain of Sheol
Desolation Denizen
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Yes, the etymology is not lost on me, I assure you. That I can think of, there isn't another word that would fit, though, except maybe "garlanded" which I think sounds awkward.
Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion between supposed lovers. Between supposed brothers. | ||||
Posted 06-16-2011, 10:26 AM |
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