[Den]

Mom and I were talking earlier, about how Dad was insistent that I wait until tomorrow to go get his deathsticks... but here's the thing. If I had gone this morning, like I'd wanted? I wouldn't have snow or ice to contend with.
The roads would've been clear, and I would've gotten back before the storm hit.

But now? Dad can get his own damned deathsticks.

It's not like I don't know how to drive in snow, or in icy conditions. I'm just peeved that he'd rather I drive in that bullshit than when the roads were clear, so he can just go get his own shit.

[Stabbsworth]

100 pages. yaaaaaaay.

i haven't had my period yet and am just sitting here.

also, mood, den. fuckin hate having to grab the deathsticks from the shop because mum's too lazy to go out and get them and doesn't think secondhand smoke exists. like, she does know that the reason why i've been coughing is because of her shitty little cigarette smoke, right?

[Kaderin Triste]

Ehhhhh....debating if I should call tonight for my schedule or just walk over and get it tomorrow. Because I pretty much always have sunday off...
XP

Ugh. May be dealing with an angry parent in a couple hours... xP

[Merskelly Metalien]

Me @ that weird moment during your period where you have cramping that hurts less than the pain of your past mistakes, abject incapability, and overall depressive feeling that maybe you don't matter to anyone as much as you think you might...

Honestly probably just the PMS, but feeling really alone and helpless about my future in finding a job, getting my school to f*cking care about my financial aid situation, and avoiding school because I have absolutely no more drive left in me to learn anything anymore...also scared that when things start to look up and get better, I might feel VERY disappointed in myself suddenly and start to harm myself again. <:/ *shrug* but eh..weird day. Feel like I accomplished a lot, but I'm the only one who knows it and acknowledges it. <n<; Yet I am still unsure of myself if I really accomplished anything at all...

[Merskelly Metalien]

I hate calling people on the phone so much... ;_; </3 No one should be made to do such a horrible thing...

[Kaderin Triste]

I long for sunshine. This winter has gone on too long already...

Ah yes, here we are again. The deep emptiness inside coming out to play. Reminding me that I am absolutely forgettable. I know this to be true. It happens all the time. No one notices if I come or go. No one cares. People will protest this. They say they care, but they wouldn't even notice if I disappeared. Not right away. Maybe not ever. People love to claim that you matter when they think you're planning to do something "stupid". But they don't actually do anything to prove that they care. They try to talk you down; to convince you that you matter, but they can't do anything. They can't stop the darkness; the absolute emptiness inside. It is all consuming and it never goes away. It fades, but it's always there, always waiting to come back. And no one even cares. I am insignificant. I am irrelevant. And no one really cares, they just want you to think they do.

[Yokuutsu]

IT TOOK ME TOO LONG TO GET WHAT DEATHSTICKS ARE D:

Anyway, story time!

So at my work, I am in food manufacturing. So I was doing the bread (putting it on the line for it to go down for people to put meat eggs and cheese on), but I was going slow bc one meat person (two on the line usually) was getting a stand so the job would be a bit easier....and the other meat person can't always get his half done with them both there (he's trying)...so our line lead, instead of talking to me, was speaking loudly for like half the biscuit room to hear about how I was going to slow.

I traded places with meat and walked into the table the other bread person just has to have IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FRICKING SPACE BETWEEN THE LINES and I still have a horrible bruise a week later.

Her talking about how I was slow like that...well, when I started there, I was slow, like I was sure they would fire me bc of that, so every day for WEEKS I was puking before work. It got to where I wasn't eating at home or work....I realized it was anxiety later, that came back bc of her, just nauseous instead of actually puking.

[Espy]

Yeet her out the nearest door. Discreetly.

[Coda]

Originally Posted by Espy

Yeet her out the nearest door. Discreetly.

Discryeetly?

[Stabbsworth]

@ dad get rid of the fucking pineapple we have literally rotting in the back i beg you for the love of god

all your work in getting the fruitflies outside isn't going to work until you get rid of the literal rotting pineapple.

the council would definitely shit themselves if they saw this, you know.

can't get into the fucking food business if you have literal fruit flies.

[Merskelly Metalien]

;u; Guys. I think I might be depressed...*flops onto couch hopelessly*

I don't see any future for myself, or a direction, I killed my passions before and am doing it again, I am stressing myself over school, medical coverage, and finding a job, and now I am facing the grim realities again with major pessimism, dread and hopelessness. ;U; I wanna cry, but I have to take care of my gramma today and try to look happy for my brother before he goes to work...he's in a better mood than I am, I don't wanna bring it down. ;-; If I got paid to beat myself up, I'd be swimming in a lake made of dollar bills...there is nothing but negative thoughts. I can't seem to compliment myself. It's gotten to a point where I struggle to say nice things about anything I do.
Is this why I can't get hired?? Is this why I'm such a terrible candidate? When there are so many others like me out there, that are actually fine and know their abilities and have confidence in themselves...it only makes sense.

Now I find myself entertaining thoughts of overdosing and getting hit by traffic, or otherwise abusing the alcohol that's in the house, just to feel something other than terrible about myself. ;u; *sigh*...but that would honestly just make things worse for my family...<n< It's just one of those days where there's no energy, no drive, no smiling, tired slowness, the desire to just nap for a long long time, and just get away from everyone...

[Coda]

It's hard to type with a wrist brace...

[Merskelly Metalien]

It's also hard to type when your top keys misbeHAVE! *eyes keyboard sharply* >B{
Keep. Functioning. Please! Don't make me attach a USB keyboard! /8{

[Coda]

Originally Posted by Merskelly Metalien

It's also hard to type when your top keys misbeHAVE! *eyes keyboard sharply* >B{
Keep. Functioning. Please! Don't make me attach a USB keyboard! /8{

Oh geez, yes. I have a MacBook. I know EXACTLY what you mean. My shift key is too hard to press, and a bunch of other keys double-trigger a lot.

[Kory]

What happened to your wrist, Coda? :(

Today's awful;
I went to a meeting with a commercial agent today...
The actual agent wasn't there, so her assistant saw me instead.

To make a long story short, I told her that I am from Minnesota and she basically proceeded to talk to me as if I were just some ignorant farm girl hick who didn't know how the business goes in Los Angeles...

She didn't ask me how long I've been here (two years in March) and she didn't ask me if I had experience here in Los Angeles, which I have, as I've been frequently flying back and forth from my home town to LA at least 2-3x a year since I was 14... so for over ten years before I moved here.

She basically said, "Well, it's a competitive business... Sometimes you get less than 24 hours notice. I need someone who's schedule is open." I don't have a "normal" job and I expressed to her that I am able to make any audition. I've even been featured in three commercials before, I *have* experience in what she was asking. I'm not stupid. And my parents and I always had this agreement that when we moved here to LA, they would always take me to auditions so I would never have to find a ride or anything... and since I'm not in school and don't have that "normal" job, I can make any audition... even if I only have 12 hours notice.

She said I had a great look, that I had a lot of confidence which is "good", but she still thought I didn't know anything about commercial business? I'd been taking classes nearly constantly since I've moved here, I'm not at all fresh off the boat. It seemed as though she basically made up her mind about me before I even got the chance to prove my skill and knowledge... As soon as she heard "Minnesota", it seemed like she immediately thought, "Yeah. She's just an ignorant farm girl. She doesn't know how the hustle is here in Los Angeles."

I've seen at least 4 other agents, all who've said I was great, but they already had other clients who had my look, or were in my age range and "type".
Also, I have had auditions nearly daily lately and every, single, last audition I've gone on, I've been called back to. The person who recommended I see this agent said that I was definitely really talented and ready to be picked up. He says I'm one of the top actors in his class, that when I do the exercises that I am extremely talented and creative. Very rarely does he need to correct me in anything...

I dunno. I just hate it when people assume things about me based on things like my skin color, my accent, where I'm from, where I live, etc...

I just wish she would have, at least, read my resume and given me an actual chance to show my talent and skills, instead of just assuming I don't know anything because I'm from Minnesota.

[Espy]

Originally Posted by Coda

Oh geez, yes. I have a MacBook. I know EXACTLY what you mean. My shift key is too hard to press, and a bunch of other keys double-trigger a lot.

what did you do this time

Originally Posted by Ava

.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK